I Have Something to Say About That…

Thoughts from Author Jenny Proctor

To my Fourth Child

22 Comments

I wouldn’t call you an accident. I understand the workings of basic biology… cause, and effect. But then, I didn’t really put you there on purpose either. One day, you just were. A part of me, growing, consuming, becoming.

For a short time, we were comfortable together. But I knew what was ahead. I’d done this before and knew that soon, I would curse your existence as well as I cursed my own.

You were merciless.

You might as well of sucked the marrow clean out of my bones. A little thief, you robbed my body of all things nutritious. You built your own bones, grew your own cells, while I tenuously soaked up the leftovers, often left with nothing but bile, and sweat, and tears; a life sustaining factory – exhausted, discouraged.

It wasn’t easy bringing you into this world. But multiply the pain, the exhaustion, the endurance ten fold, and I’d do it just the same.

Because you are mine… you are me… you are you.

There was a time when my body was not yet a function of productivity, a well of sustenance. Back when pelvic exams were still considered a gross violation and my skin, a smooth plain, unmarred, unmarked by the painful stretching of accommodation.

But my heart was unmarked then too. Unaware that tiny hands and feet would soon pull my heart right out of my chest, shaping it, molding it, and forever keeping a little piece of it for themselves.

I am changed forever because of you, and the others that came before. I am bruised, I am broken, I am split, stretched, scarred, marred.

And I am whole.

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22 thoughts on “To my Fourth Child

  1. This. This should be published. More than on just your blog I mean. Beautiful. Nice work mommyj!

  2. Here’s to the fourth. :)The first paragraph is the story of my life right now. heh.Very nicely written.

  3. Absolutely perfectly written.

  4. MommyJ, HOLY COW!!! That was your best work yet!!! I agree with Destinee, it should totally be published in some magazine. Wow, what a beautiful description of motherhood. Thanks for sharing!!!

  5. You need to share that in YWs!!!! I think I will if it is alright with you.

  6. Thank you! You touched my soal.

  7. This is beautiful, MommyJ.

  8. I was moved while reading this. Wonderful post!

  9. Perfect! Just like him 🙂

  10. You should journal this in his scrapbook for sure! He will love this when he’s older and not feeling as important as the older ones…Beautiful!

  11. AUGH. I did not need to be crying at 11:26 in the morning because I chose to read your blog!But still. Beautiful. You are mine, you are me, you are you. I love that. Actually, I love pretty much every single word. This is beautiful.

  12. Oh you make me want another one! A friend of mine had another baby and after loving on her this weekend then reading this I’m totally baby hungry 🙂

  13. So far, I think this entry is my favorite. You were robbed of the win 🙂

  14. Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing and congrats on the contest!

  15. aw. this makes me cry. congrats!

  16. I loved your essay. It was a beautifully crafted essay. I loved how at the end you brought it back around showing how in the brokenness of motherhood, in body and soul, we are made whole. It was just lovely.

  17. Beautiful. I love the ending.In the beginning I thought you were describing an identical experience to one I’d had…But our fourth was stillborn. So glad this turned out better for you and left you with someone to hold.

  18. Wow. This is beautiful, and heart-wrenching!

  19. Beautiful. Congratulations on the honourable mention! I too love the way you tied it all together at the end.

  20. So beautiful! “Because you are mine… you are me… you are you.”Love it…

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